It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’d, uh, lost something for a while there. It’s okay. I found it.
Hang on. I think I’m gonna need a beer for this one.
Now let me paint you a little picture.
Recess. Playing Lion King. I’m Simba.
Backyard. Playing Lord of the Rings. I’m Aragorn. The stubble drawn on my face with a charred cork.
Everywhere, all the time. Playing Harry Potter. I’m Remus Lupin and I don’t want the game to end ever. It’s not a game anymore. It’s not even funny. When my friends play along, there is no describing how right it feels.
I’m 12. Summer vacation, and my stomach hurts. I’m bleeding. And I’m hoping. No, not hoping, wishing (which is the closest I come to praying) that I’m sick. This isn’t my first period. I’m just sick, very sick maybe. Maybe we’ll need to go to the hospital, but I am not having my first period.
Junior high. PE class. Some jerk tells me it’s probably time I start wearing bras. I am wearing a bra, and I wish I were invisible. I wear boy jeans, old baggy jumpers and walk with my shoulders hunched. I feel like hiding inside my head.
I’m 14, 15 maybe, and I voice it for the first time. I wish I didn’t have breasts. The adult in the room says “That’s because you still think you could have been a guy. It’ll pass.” I think about this for months and years.
Three weeks ago…
Three weeks ago.
My partner, my soon-to-be husband, asks me where I stand regarding my gender. No pressure, just curiosity. He checks in on me.
“I’m veering more and more towards male but I’m not sure enough to be all out.”
We talk about it all evening. It’s emotional. It’s the most emotional I’ve ever gotten about it. It involves crying and laughing and declarations of enduring love and support, and a lot gets said that was hiding in plain sight for years. Achievement unlocked.
By the end of it, I’m sure. Funny how it goes.
I am a guy.
Funny how it goes.